Asking Eric: Spouse’s sister stole inheritance, but spouse wants to keep the peace

Dear Eric Over the years I noticed one of my spouse s sisters seemed generally overly sensitive with sudden emotional outbursts and a tendency to play the victim My spouse s last living parent died and the estate needed to be divided equally between all of the siblings Sister loaded up her car with numerous valuable items before making her way back home after the funeral That annoyed the other siblings as these items should have been part of the estate accounting to be divided but they didn t confront her Spouse and the other siblings decided to let her get her way resulting in her inheriting a very very sizable inheritance much more than any of the siblings It became clear that spouse and siblings are afraid of her and I explained spouse this What s done is done but how am I supposed to act around the sister in the future Spouse does not want me to discuss this with her I m not a good actor I don t want her to stay at my home if she visits but spouse does I m disappointed in spouse s and siblings timid behavior but I m angry at her selfishness and total disregard for fairness I don t know how to move forward Inappropriate Inheritance Dear Inheritance Sometimes we just have to let other people s toxic families be toxic There is an unhealthy dynamic between your spouse your spouse s siblings and their sister This has possibly been the scenario all of their lives Attempting to rearrange these relationships is just going to cause marital strife for you The relationship you can and should focus on is the one between you and your spouse You ve mentioned what you needed to say about what happened with the inheritance Your spouse has also expressed an opinion about how to move forward I would encourage you to follow your spouse s lead You don t have to acquiesce to the sister s future demands or even be friendly You might choose to be out of town when the sister visits But I implore you to make peace with your disappointment in your spouse The sister has already poisoned so a great number of wells with her own behavior don t let her poison your marriage also Here s an internal script I wish my spouse had been treated fairly I can t control the various life factors that caused my spouse and the siblings to act the way that they did There is so much else that I value about my spouse and I will choose to focus on that because by doing so I am also providing help for my spouse during a demanding and draining time Dear Eric I am the oldest of five siblings all now in our s and all professionals We grew up blue-collar and genteel poor The predicament arises with the jealousy and hatred the others harbor toward me They spent their lives acquiring pricy trinkets and foreign cars and generally living well beyond their means while I planned saved and invested well I retired comfortably eight years ago and now with my wife advance extensively and enjoy life My siblings bitterly resent this and the painful reality that they can never afford to retire For particular reason they blame me as if life is a zero-sum event when all I have ever done is put money in their pockets and never inquired for anything in return It s late in the day and I d like to set matters straight We stopped speaking years ago What do you suggest Frustrated Eldest Son Related Articles Asking Eric Sister fears her bullying caused sister s addiction problems Asking Eric After dementia identification friends disappeared Asking Eric Nephew plans wedding for same weekend as relative s milestone birthday party Asking Eric Readers share means to talk about a child after loss Asking Eric In-law s demands test family patience Dear Son I m curious what you mean by set matters straight If what you want is for your siblings to realize the error of their thinking and stop resenting you you re likely to remain frustrated It sounds like you resent them for their resentment which is totally understandable But do you also judge them for the way they chose to live Is this animus a two-way street You haven t spoken in a decade but you write that they resent your happy retired life of the last eight years How is this information getting to you and what are you doing with it when it does A way to move forward is to wipe the slate clean or as clean as one can with siblings that slate is invariably going to be fingerprint-smudged Reach out to them and acknowledge that you ve had your differences in the past you wish them well and you don t want to spend the rest of your days estranged Ask them if they re willing to try again This means accepting that sometimes you just don t see eye-to-eye but no one necessities to convince anyone else of anything If they can listen to you without judgment and you can do the same you have something to build on Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com